Sulkfest

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Hi, I guess.  Man, I’m in the worst mood today.  It’s probably not a great idea to dive into a blog post in this state of mind, but I’m definitely not known for my good decision-making skills, so here we go.

I have cooked exactly once since those enchiladas last Sunday.  The rest of my meals have either been salads or leftovers that I froze from previous dinners the last couple of weeks.  On Tuesday I made Oh She Glows’ Lentil and Squash Curry Stew, and it was absolutely amazing.

I wasn’t terribly thrilled when I set out to make this, but once the smell of curry permeated the kitchen, I could not wait to dig in to this stew.  It ended up being one of the best things I’ve made lately- I just love it.

Do you guys like curry?  In my experience people either love love LOVE it or it makes them want to barf.

I probably quadrupled the amount of greens that the recipe calls for (I used kale) and used green lentils instead of red, but it worked nicely.  You really can’t go wrong with perfectly roasted butternut squash and tender, hearty lentils.

Comfort in a bowl  :)

I haven’t even felt like baking this week, which is very unlike me.  My freezer is still packed with pumpkin swirl butternut muffins and chocolate-peanut butter rice crispy treats, but having a sweets stash has never stopped me from getting my bake on before!  I’m just not myself lately.  Not at all…

It’s not that I’m mad or grumpy, more like a hybrid of anxiety, despair and sadness.  I recently started thinking about all the couples that I know and how many of them are truly happy.  You might guess that it’s a fairly low number, and that just depresses me beyond words.

Why do I have it in my head that when you meet the right person, life will be all Skittles and rainbows and sparkles all of the time, that it will all sail along effortlessly?  I get so freaking sad when I realize that most of the couples that I admire and look up to- like my grandparents, for example, or a certain set of friends that have always seemed over-the-moon-in-love- have major relationship problems.  Every time I meet someone who seems so gloriously happy on the surface and then discloses to me that they’re really rather miserable in their relationship, I feel like I’m being told that Santa Claus doesn’t exist all over again.

Literally, the number of couples that I know that are genuinely, truly, hopelessly in love and devoted and willing to work through anything together is *counts on fingers*: 3.

THREE!

Don’t get me wrong- I know relationships take work and compromise and constant communication (gah, always with the communication!) and all that jazz.  I don’t really expect it to be effortless or even easy, at least not all of the time.  It’s just that I’m starting to wonder if even that exists, if that vision is asking for too much.  Is a good, strong, happy, loving, honest, compatible, old-fashioned joining of souls really within reach for most of us?  IS IT!?

And then- THEN- I start thinking really crazy stuff: Relationships are lame.  So stupid!  How is marriage a good idea?  Who wants to look at the same person every single freaking day for the rest of their life, anyway!?  Who came up with this stuff?

And then I maybe kind of decide that I might not ever want to get married again.  And that makes me sad.

True story: Today I took both kids to get their hair cut.  As the stylist was snipping away at lil’ O’s curls, he asked if I had any more kids.  I told him nope, that it was just E and O.  The rest of the conversation went like this:

Stylist: You need a girl!  (He turns to O.) Tell mommy, say Mommy, I want a little sister! 

Me: Uh, nope, heh.  It’s just the three of us (wink, wink).

Stylist: Oh, haha.  (Sudden look of shock and concern.) Oooooooooooh.  I see.  Well, maybe someday!

I wanted to stab him with his shears but also maybe cry on his shoulder.

So there you go.  Thinking about this stuff makes me want to just pull the covers over my head.  I nearly had a panic attack this afternoon when I heard that David Arquette and Courteney Cox got divorced.

I’ll be fine, of course, and I think this is all just a normal part of coming out of a long-term relationship.  Maybe.

I’m going to plan some great meals for next week, continue with my morning meditation, rock my workouts, immerse myself in the awesomeness of my kids, take school by the balls (that’s right!) and try to get my groove back.

Lets end on a happy note, shall we?

These little guys keep me going.  :)

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6 responses »

  1. I think it really is part of the process when you break up with someone special to question the whole idea of relationships – other people’s, or your own future hypothetical relationships. Part of it is probably that thing we do where whatever we’re going through, we see the same thing everywhere we look. You know, like when you’re pregnant, you see pregnant women EVERYWHERE.

    I can only speak for myself, but in spite of some ups and downs (and there have been one or two MAJOR downs…), we’re still happily married and never EVER want to be apart. Well, maybe for a few days now and then. ;)

    As for the curry question: not liking curries? That’s crazy talk! LOL. I really know very few people who dislike curries. But maybe that comes from living so close to south-east Asia and India/Sri Lanka, and having a lot of migrants from the region who’ve brought their food culture here. How much heat is tolerable is an individual thing, but the magnificent flavours, the aromatic spices and the variety of recipes means that we eat curries several times a week. Often Thai or Indian, sometimes Sri Lankan, sometimes a Malaysian or Burmese dish. Yum…

    • I know you’re right, and I really love hearing that you and your husband are one of those happy couples. I sincerely appreciate your insight. This rough time will definitely pass, I just hope it goes quickly. xoxo

  2. Hang in there and do not give up hope!!! Relationships can be truly amazing but not easy!! You will find the one I am sure of it!!

  3. Oops, I totally just caught up on your relationship news. Ya know how it is when study takes over from the important stuff like writing and reading blogs. YES you are totally normal to be feeling whatever you are feeling. Also, I feel like I’m in a cool, happy relationship now.. and you know we had big probs to sort through a few years ago. However, I know what you mean about everyone seems unhappy and so incapable of doing what it would take to make themselves happy. WHY do people just live miserable???
    ((Hugs to YOU, awesome chick)).

    • Thank you for the hug. And it’s nice to hear that there are actually couples out there that have overcome their problems and come out stronger than ever! I really do love hearing that. :)

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